Empathy:

Caring leadership verses controlling supervision

 

As a leader, the road to organizational success and high functioning

teams is greatly enhanced through the understanding and application

of interpersonal skills. It comes from showing up for those you serve,

and in turn, people giving their personal best, being passionate about

teamwork and contributing towards cooperation. “Leadership is not a

solo act, it’s a team effort,” (Kouzes & Posner, 2007, p. 223). You can’t

do it alone.” Leaders must be skilled at creating a climate of trust and

building relationships within the team. Their success depends on it

and their customers see through it. Empathy is ingrained at the heart

of these important skill sets and is a must for good leadership. In its absence, without empathy, there lies a toxic

work environment and stifled progress at the individual and organizational level.

 

I. Discovering the dynamic range of empathy

Leaders must come to know, understand and skillfully apply empathy – in relation to themselves and with their teams. How we ‘say things’ and the language we use in the workplace matters. Our followers watch and act according to our leadership style. Our approachability can dictate the climate we create. For example, if we as leaders normally stream past people in a flurry without giving any simple acknowledgement that in itself can send a message to followers about their importance and be the seed for workplace toxicity. It can contribute to a feeling that ‘I’m not important enough’ and therefore people are consequently less likely to have the comfort level to divulge their workplace concerns or show up “from the neck up” on a regular basis (Hunter, 2006).

 

However, if as a leader, you routinely check in with people outside the confines of your office walls, or “Manage by Walking Around,” (MBWA), then you are more likely to have an engaged and healthy empathic workplace (Peters, 2010). By being in touch one-on-one in the normal course of affairs you are applying a disciplined form of empathy in the workplace. It is one of those ‘little-big-things’ that add up and contribute towards morale.

 

Empathy plants trust and positions the leader ahead for organizational results. “Empathy stands out as the one focus area that can drive everything from productivity and profit to morale and meaning in the workplace,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 22). It takes consistency and time to build trust with anyone, but empathy can be one of the surest ways to expedite that process. Empathy is a tool that enhances important “feeling qualities,” such as care, love, wisdom, intuition, understanding, security, and appreciation,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 25). Combined these emotions bring the heart and head together to determine our attitudes and responses. Taking these attributes into consideration, I consider empathy to be the language of the heart and the head working in unison. Childre and Martin call this physiological connectivity the Heartmath Solution (Childre & Martin, 1999).

 

My effort in this subject is fueled by a desire to search for, understand, learn about and offer a more caring approach for those that I serve and work with. In this paper, I will analyze behaviors that convey and produce empathetic leadership results, as well as examine the limitations of controlling leadership styles.  By examining the negative effects of controlling leadership styles I prepare the case for empathy and methods for leaders to apply it in the workplace.

 

Specifically, I will define empathy; describe the biological workings of the brain that control emotions and the origin of empathy; outline the negative effects of controlling supervision in its absence; as well as uncover techniques that reveal how empathy works - through listening, mirroring, moral and emotional intelligence, the Heartmath Solution as well as non-violent communication - to benefit individuals and ultimately the organizations they serve. This paper will uncover a refreshing, more effective and motivating leadership approach that is different from the traditional ways of workplace management. This behavioral analysis of literature will help bring about solutions for consideration by leaders that will help improve individual and team effectiveness through the lens of workplace empathy.

 

II. What is empathy and why is it important?

Empathy is a form of emotional intelligence. “Of all dimensions of emotional intelligence, empathy is the most easily recognized,” (HBR, 2011, p. 16). It is one of those things that we know when it is there and when it isn’t. It is not a trait that people are often praised for having, especially in business like settings. We may have felt the empathy of a sensitive teacher or friend; or struck by its absence in an unfeeling coach or boss. Daniel Coleman, the leading authority surrounding the field of Emotional Intelligence, describes empathy as “thoughtfully considering employees’ feelings – along with other factors – in the process of making intelligent decisions,” (HBR, 2011, p. 16).

 

Why is Empathy so important in the workplace?

“Understanding where another person is coming from is a practical and effective basis for collaborating within a team, connecting with customers, and getting our jobs done,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 18). Understanding our own feelings and needs serves as the foundation. Daniel Coleman shares that “empathy is particularly important today as a component of leadership for at least three reasons: the increasing use of teams; the rapid pace of globalization; and the growing need to retain talent,” (HBR, 2011, p. 17). He describes teams as cauldrons of bubbling emotion. They are often charged with a need to reach consensus, which gets harder as the number of employees involved grows. Collaboration is the quintessence of getting things done in the modern workplace (Spears, 2010). It is a point that we cannot reach without everyone on board, motivated in the same direction, and without laying an emotional foundation, an understanding of each other that is rooted in empathy – an art form and physiological response that is inherently relational.

           

Empathy can be a leader’s antidote that quickly remedies emotional doubt, ambiguity or vagueness of commitment in people. “People who have it are attuned to subtleties in body language; they can hear the message beneath the words being spoken,” (HBR, 2011, p. 18). Managing relationships with others is an important component of emotional intelligence. Empathy builds friendliness that can help move people in the direction that you desire in a positive manner, whether it is agreement on a strategy or enthusiasm towards a product. Having this important skill can retain talent and keep people. That is crucial for organizations because when people leave they are taking the company’s invested knowledge with them.

 

Empathy is a form of social skill. Socially skilled managers can understand and control their own emotions, which can enable them to empathize with the “feelings of others” (HBR, 2010).  Socially skilled people are expert persuaders – “a manifestation of self-awareness, self-regulation, and empathy combined,” (HBR, p. 18). Good persuaders know when to make an emotional plea when an appeal to reason will not work. They can develop a resulting “glow” that is cast upon conversations and social encounters with teammates, which contributes to optimism and motivation, even in the face of setbacks (HBR, 2011). Their empathy and their glow contribute to the morale of the team.

 

A leader who can embrace, grasp and put empathy into practice will be able to contribute towards their continuous growth; team member growth and trust; as well as help the organization thrive and adopt to change. A work environment grounded on empathy commits the hearts and minds of those who make up the organization at a deeper level, and allows good ideas to emerge from diverse perspectives that strengthen long term organizational success. 

 

III. How the Brain Works – the three part brain

To understand how empathy works from a biological perspective, it is important to understand the science behind the brain and how it reacts to people in social circumstances.  “What’s happening behind another person’s eyes when you’re trying to get buy-in,” (Goulston, 2010, p 15).  The brain is an engine that has several different gears that mechanically shift your emotions, or how you emotionally show up and respond in the workplace.

 

Your brain consists of three layers “that have evolved over millions of years: a primitive reptile layer, a more evolved mammal layer, and a final primate layer,” (Goulston, 2010, p 15). All three parts of the brain are interconnected; however, they don’t necessarily work cohesively. The lower or reptilian brain is often described as the “fight-or-flight” region of your brain. In a state of crisis, it can leave you frozen like a ‘deer in the headlights.’ The middle or mammal brain “is the seat of your emotions. Call it your inner drama queen,” (Goulston, 2010, p 15).  This is where you find the wide range of powerful feelings such as love, joy, sadness, anger, grief, jealousy and pleasure. The upper or primate brain is your rational, logical part of the brain that weights the situation and derives a conscious plan of action. This part of the brain collects data from the other two middle and lower parts of the brain. The primate brain is associated with “practical, smart and ethical decisions,” (Goulston, 2010, p 15).

 

Each part of the brain has power over how you think and act every day. They work together naturally to a small extent, although they more often than not have a tendency to pull apart and act independently with one portion of the brain more dominant than the other. For example, under stress, the reptile or mammal brain takes control and we shift into “primal brain functions,” (Goulston, 2010, p 16). 

 

What does this have to do with managing people? In simple terms, to get through to people you “need to talk to the human upper brain – not the snake brain or the rat brain,” (Goulston, 2010, p 16).  When someone is threatened the person’s higher brain isn’t calling the shots. The “lower brain or midbrain is in control, you’re talking to a cornered snake or, at best, a hysterical rabbit,” (Goulston, 2010, p 16).  The area of the brain that allows the primitive brain to take over, and cancels out all those “centuries of evolution is a region of the brain” is called the amygdala, (Goulston, 2010, p 16). 

 

Understanding the Heart-Mind Connection

Understanding the heart is important to exploring the root of feelings and humanness. The heart and brain are connected physiologically to make up our emotional qualities. “HeartMath” refers to the “nuts and bolts approach to systemically unfolding ‘heart’ qualities,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 7). To illustrate the hearts significance, it is often referenced as the source of our “instinctive knowledge;” or applied in the form of sincerity as in “speaking from the heart;” and when someone throws themselves into activity we often say they are doing it “with all their heart,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 7). Sometimes when we betray our own instinct, gut or defy our best interest we may comment “they were thinking with their head, not their heart.” There is more to the word “heart” than mere metaphor.

The heart has its own independent nervous system. It is a complex system referred to as the “brain in the heart.”  There are at least forty thousand neurons (nerve cells) in the heart – as many as are found in various subcortical centers in the brain. “The heart’s intrinsic brain and nervous system relay information back to eh brain in the cranium, creating a two-way communication system between heart and brain. The signals sent from the heart to the brain affect many areas and functions in the amygdala, the thalamus, and the cortex,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 10). 

 

The amygdala is located deep inside the brain’s emotional processing system. It specializes in strong emotional memories. The cortex is where learning and reasoning occur. It helps us solve problems and determine right from wrong. When new information comes in, the amygdala assesses it for emotional significance. It tries to make associations and compare new information to what is stored in your emotional memory bank. Afterwards, the “amygdala communicates with the cortex to determine what actions would be appropriate,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 10). The heart has its own nervous system, or a brain, that affects the amygdala, thalamus and the cortex. This is the heart brain connection.

 

The heart has the ability to send messages to the brain that are obeyed. Therefore, the heart can “actually influence a person’s behavior,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 10). While the “source of the heart beat is within the heart itself, the timing of the beat is thought to be controlled by the brain through the autonomic nervous system,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 9). Core heart feelings can reduce the negative effects that the brain has on the heart beat such as speeding heart rate, constricting blood vessels, and stimulating the release of hormones in preparation for action by increasing the activity of the parasympathetic nervous system (that branch that slows heart rate and relaxes the body’s inner systems)” thereby increasing its effectiveness (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 23). From the research at the Institute of HeartMath, both intelligence and intuition are heightened when we learn to listen more deeply to our own hearts.

 

The brain and mind interpret information of the facts often quite different from our hearts. The brain and mind “operates in a linear, logical manner. Its primary functions are to analyze, memorize, compartmentalize, compare and sort incoming messages from our senses and past experiences and transform that data into perceptions, thoughts and emotions. The head also regulates many of our bodily functions,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 25). The head decides what is good and what is bad; what is appropriate or not. It has pattern-making ability. Although essential, it has its drawbacks. “Instead of seeing things from a fresh perspective, it can stubbornly presume that it knows what is knows about people, places, issues, and ourselves, blocking us from seeing and accepting new possibilities. When we allow the brain alone to take over our emotions, without filtering through and engaging the heart, trouble can brew almost unchecked and we can literally act like Neanderthals. Without habitual mindful awareness and absent a disciplined employment of our hearts emotional brain, lost in translation is our ability to empathize.

 

Overthrow of Rational Thought

The amygdala is a small area deep within your brain. It is triggered into action when it senses a threat. Your frontal cortex, which is the logical part of your brain, also goes on alert. However, that portion of the brain takes a longer time to analyze the threat. Therefore, your body sides with the amygdala, giving it control to divert impulses from the frontal cortex. In essence, when you’re really scared, your amygdala shuts out the higher brain, causing you to act on primitive instinct, (Goulston, 2010).  To understand this process, picture the amygdala as a “full-to-the-brim pan of water on a stove. Heat this pan of water gently, and it can simmer gently for hours. Crank the heat up to high, however, and eventually the water will boil over catastrophically. Similarly, as long as your amygdala stays on “simmer” and isn’t pushed into boiling over, you can continue to access your upper brain, which empowers you to pause, reflect, consider options, and make smart choices,” (Goulston, 2010, p 17).  

 

Amygdala Hijack

This boiling point causes amygdala hijack – a term first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, the originator of the concept of emotional intelligence (Goleman, 2000). It is when your brain’s “intelligent and sensible pilot – the frontal cortex – is no longer in control. Instead, the “snake is flying the plane,” (Goulston, 2010, p 17).  Trying to talk facts to a person who is in full amygdala hijack and you’re not going to get through. The key is to intervene before the amygdala boiling point, and the person’s higher brain can have a better chance of staying in control. “Think of this as adding salt to water so you can heat-it. When you do that, you raise the water’s boiling point, and it can take more heat while staying at simmer,” (Goulston, 2010, p 17).  The techniques discussed in this paper will help avoid or minimize the amygdala hijack and enable us to talk to the human brain, by employing empathy so that our words can get through.

 

IV. Controlling Leadership Styles – Negative Supervision in the Absence of Empathy

Leadership styles clash with people in the workplace for a variety of reasons, especially in the absence of empathy. Empathy, to a large extent, is the understanding that occurs and enhanced relationship that transpires when you focus on the other person. However, leaders are all too frequently faulted for being self-absorbed and merely focused on career advancement at the expense of others. Many refer to this style as classic “managing up.” The resulting lack of empathy and awareness of others can create a climate of toxicity. Toxic supervisors, frequently described as ‘traditional’ or ‘command-and-control’ leaders, have difficulty with genuinely connecting and tend to be absorbed on the transactional. The successful characteristics of the modern day leader need to combine both results oriented management along with the traits often referred to as ‘soft touch’ leadership skills. Many of these soft touch characteristics are illustrated through the servant-leadership philosophy, such as empathy and coaching for results.

 

Under servant-leadership, the leader always accepts the person, not necessarily results. “The servant always accepts and empathizes, never rejects. The servant as leader always empathizes, always accepts the person but sometimes refuses to accept some of the person’s effort or performance as good enough,” (Greenleaf, 2008, p. 21). Toxic supervisors are focused on the short term, and because they are self-focused and uncommitted to the well-being of others, are therefore unable to truly motivate others from the “neck up” and maximize longer term results. This leadership style has a low tolerance for imperfection, which inhibits their ability to lift their people up to “grow taller than they would otherwise be,” (Greenleaf, 2008, p. 22).

 

Choosing to serve assumes a relational choice and may imply empathy necessitates that you accept and understand that there aren’t any perfect people. Conversely, everyone is “capable of great dedication and heroism if he is wisely led,” (Greenleaf, 2008, p. 22). Ann McGee contrasts servant-leadership and traditional leadership by stating that “it begins with a feeling of wanting to serve, to serve first and then earning trust. Traditional leaders expect people to turn on-and-off like switches. To them, ‘people are things to do things.’ It is hard to motivate and expect reciprocation. The more you listen, ask questions; the more you bring people closer to owning the shared vision,” (Cooper, 2013). An empathetic leader listens and is hands on. Vince Lombardi is famous for saying, “you can’t wait until the end of the season to tell the player how he did. You have to do it every day out on the field,” (Hunter, 2006).

 

Understanding toxic leadership is important because nearly everyone will work in an organization with a toxic leader or abusive supervisor at some point in their career.  Toxicity is “widespread and an inevitable fact of organizational life” (Goldman, 2008, p. 227). In an environment where empathetic leadership is lacking the landscape is full of barriers to personal growth and healthy workplace. Goldman (2008, p. 226) has likened toxicity in organizational systems to “attacks on the human immune system, ranging from low-level viruses to toxic melanoma cancer that metastasized.”  There are a variety of toxic leadership styles as described below.

 

Characteristics of Toxic Leadership

In her book, Toxic Leaders, Marcia Lynn Whicker (1996), neatly describes two types of toxic leaders in organizations.  There is the “transitional leader” and the “Toxic leader.”  They frequently preoccupy the organization with dysfunctional strategies and games, which trumps the organizations mission. These leadership styles result in a spiraling organizational deterioration brought on by anxiety, anger and fear in the workplace. These leaders are pre-occupied with self-gain and emotionally distant, unable to make trusting connections with the people that make up the organization.

 

Transactional leaders are more concerned about approval and what others think of them. They are self-absorbed, egotistical and inept due to their very cautious nature (Whicker, 1996, p. 64). They seek opportunities to glorify and self-aggrandize, usually at the expense of a subordinate who does all the work. Transactional leaders usually ride the coat tails “masquerading” behind someone with more credibility within the organization. They are narcissistic and very sensitive to how others perceive them.

The toxic leader is described as an enforcer, often second in-command. They seek consensus with leaders to who they report and not from followers (Whicker, 1996, p. 65). They are commonly very unhappy individuals. They are described as maladjusted, malcontent, and often malevolent and malicious (e.g., Burton, 2011; Whicker, 1996, pp. 61-62). They succeed by tearing others down. They triumph in turf protection, fighting, and controlling others rather than uplifting followers.

 

Abusive Supervisors Defined

The abusive supervisor is a catalyst to the toxic environment. It is another form of toxic leadership. Abusive supervisors display and engage in hostile verbal and non-verbal behaviors, excluding physical contact (Tepper, 2000). Abusive supervisors are consumed with using their position for personal gain and power. They speak rudely to subordinates in order to produce a desired task performance. They also publicly belittle subordinates in order to hurt their feelings.

 

Common examples of abusive supervision include a supervisor demeaning, belittling, undermining, or invading the privacy of a subordinate (Burton, 2011). The way abusive leaders exercise their authority unleashes elevated levels of psychological distress. Keashly, Trott, and MacLean, (1994) established that employees who experienced abusive supervision also experienced less job satisfaction.  “Even minor emotional pain suffered from public embarrassments, face-threats, and reprimands by superiors may turn increasingly toxic as the contagiousness of negative emotions rubs off on coworkers and colleagues, escalates, and permeates organizational culture” (Goldman, 2008, p. 227).  Whether the abuse is direct or displayed indirect, it can lead to dysfunctional work environments. Supervisor negligence is a form of abuse. Subsequently, abused subordinates may act in a “tit for tat fashion” (Inness, Barling, & Turner, 2005).

 

How common is abuse in the workplace? Persistent abuse at work is reported by 28-36% of US workers (Keashly & Neuman, 2005). Over 20% of HR managers participating in a study reported workplace violence in their organization (Andersson & Pearson, 1999). Numerous other studies point to abuse and mistreatment against employees, whether direct, subtle or verbal can positively lead to stress, reactance, helplessness, work alienation, as well as negatively related to self-esteem, work unit cohesiveness, and work performance (e.g., see Ashforth, 1997; Duffy, Ganster & Pagon, 2001).

 

Organizational Impairment

Why do individuals endure cruel work environments under the harassment of an abusive supervisor or toxic leadership environment? Bennett Tepper, recognizes three levels of effects on organizational commitment including continuous, normative and affective commitment (Tepper, 2000, p.183). For example, a person with continuous commitment might say “it would be hard for me to leave my organization right now, even if I wanted to.” Someone with normative commitment might say – “I would not leave my organization right now because I have a sense of obligation to the people in it.” Lastly, someone with affective commitment may say – “I really feel as if this organization’s problems are my own.”

 

Toxic Handlers and Repairmen

The role of a “toxic handler” within organizations is seen as constructive, but its label is used loosely to describe both professional and volunteer resources within an organization (see Goleman 2000; Frost, & Robinson, 1999).  The toxic handler can be a human resources (HR) representative, consultant, and counselor or Employee Assistance Program (EAP) representative. They are trained to help address interpersonal differences between leaders and subordinates; develop and execute corrective plans; and offer counseling. Empathy plays a key role.

 

On the other hand, the toxic handler can also be described as someone who voluntarily shoulders the “sadness and anger that are endemic to organizational life” (Frost et al, 1999). According to Frost et al (p. 99), the role of a toxic handler can be summarized in the five ways that they alleviate organizational pain: “They listen empathetically; they suggest solutions; they work behind the scenes to prevent pain; they carry the confidence in others; and they reframe difficult messages.” The toxic handler, who is there to help colleagues as a volunteer, also works in tandem with toxic leaders. Without the volunteer toxic handler stepping in, the abusive boss can otherwise be discovered or even fired (Frost et al, 1999). 

           

Dysfunctional organizations are the outgrowth of toxic leadership and abusive supervisors. These leaders are the common thread that leads to workplace unhappiness. As we found, there is little chance of immunity from exposure during the course of a person’s career. Therefore, organizations must be prepared to damper the effects of these leaders. It is the responsibility of leaders to filter, identify and address these issues directly or through the use of trained professionals. Toxicity and abusive behaviors should be “red-flagged” as soon as they are detected to prevent negative influence of the team as a whole. Whether subtle, mild, direct or indirect, if left unchecked, these dark leadership behaviors and styles can open up the flood gates to toxicity in even the best run organization. Applying empathy is the gateway to healing a team suffering the impact of controlling forms of supervision. The behaviors rooted in empathy will lay the foundation for gaining organizational trust.

V. An Empathy Toolbox – Methods and Techniques for Reaching the Empathic Brain

 

Leaders spend their days trying to move others. Kouzes and Posner make the case for enlisting others by creating an environment where people are passionate about what they are doing through a process that appeals to common ideals. “Visions are ideals,” (Kouzes and Posner, p. 133). Good leaders cannot do great things alone and realize they need their people more than they need them. “Leaders find ways to stretch themselves,” (Kouzes and Posner, p. 172). Innovation requires more listening and communication than routine work. What is the universal common thread to unleash the best from everyone? Leaders do “big things by doing a lot of small things,” (Kouzes & Posner, p. 196). The power of empathy is often underutilized and underrated, but applied consistently is a ‘small thing’ with big-time results.

 

V. Applied Empathy - the mind within the hea

Empathy can be practiced and applied at any time. It will raise your game as a leader. Leaders should take continuous learning seriously because they are, or need to be, “humble about their own abilities,” (Kouzes and Posner, p. 202). The only way that people can learn is by doing things they’ve never done before,” (Kouzes & Posner, p. 204). According to Jill Cleveland, when she first became finance manager at Apple, Inc., she said it was very difficult for her to relinquish control,” (Kouzes & Posner, p.221). “In order for my employees, and thus myself, to be successful I needed to learn to develop a cohesive and collaborative team, beginning with trust as the framework.” It is this collaborative environment that I believe is rooted in empathy, a reflection of a myriad of learned skills, patterns, and emotions that progressively resonate with others and that begin with the leader.

 

Love Yourself First

To be an effective leader, you need to understand where you are coming from and be in touch with your moral compass. To be empathetic, leaders “must focus on own growth with love,” (Childre, 1999, p. 119) which in its “generosity will spread to others as well.”  Leadership is an identifiable set of skills that are available to all of us. The ‘great person’ theory of leadership is just plain wrong,” (Kouzes, p. 23). People with this philosophy rely on logic in “making decisions, and assess worth of something against a set of guidelines that stress reason,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. xxv).  Empathy is a human response that is cultivated through a relationship and interaction. If you don’t love yourself first, then it is harder to build effective relations that will move others. It is often displayed through frustration in your interactions with others. Therefore, it is important to apply empathy to yourself in equal measure in order to effectively manage relationships with others.

 

Understanding your values and checking in with your “operating philosophy,” is a key premise of the moral intelligence concept. Our values are based on beliefs and determine our attitudes.  Values are most commonly reflected in several operating philosophies such as pragmatic, intellectual and humanistic,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. xxii). Doug Lennick and Fred Kiel argue that we are “hard wired to be moral but often stray from the path,” (2008, p. xxv). Each operating philosophy can normalize different styles that we use to interact with others in the workplace. Our values also change during the course of our lives. The point here is to pay attention to our moral compass, and by doing so, we become more sensitive to those who have different values and different philosophies, (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. xxv). This diversity allows us to bring innovation in the workplace, but only if we are open to it and respect it.

 

Applying empathy to yourself is like “recharging your emotional batteries,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 125). People are the most important asset of an organization, but as the leader, you are your most precious asset. You cannot lead effectively if you do not take care of yourself. You simply must carve out time for yourself. For example, physical fitness is a key contributor to emotional health.  “Aerobic exercise triggers the release of brain chemicals that are associated with feelings of pleasure and well-being,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 126). It is important to find activities that you enjoy and also take the time to include daily relaxation activities to maintain emotional and physical well-being. Recharging your batteries adds to your mood tolerance. The benefits of meditation, such as various forms of yoga or simply deep breathing can recharge your body, mind and spirit. Sitting in place at work and taking a break for deep-breathing exercises, with eyes closed, is simply a great way to recharge your batteries and give you a much needed second wind. When your mind is calm you have the awareness and mental capacity to take charge of your emotions and apply empathy.

 

Removing the Filter - GGNE

Removing the filter can be one of the most challenging things for a leader to do (Goulston, 2010). When you step back and think about filters you can see how they would skew your thinking, but people develop biased filters for a reason – in most cases they are a safe bet that your gut has developed through personal experience. However, the negative side of filters is they are automated responses and can therefore cause your brain to fail to listen or be empathetic (Goulston, 2010).  For example, when a boss relies on instant judgments, their thinking is skewed and opportunities to build people are lost. We miss the opportunity to break through with behavior. You are using prior knowledge based on past perceptions. Filters color our perception of the persons we work with and infuse preconceived notions (Goulston, 2010). The preconceptions we have of people are perceived as real and we don’t take the time to really understand the person. The result is we discount people based on preconceived judgments instead of applying empathy and getting to know them.

 

Rick Middleton, founder of the Los Angeles-based communication company Executive Expression, “uses the GGNE model to describe how we put people in mental boxes before we even know them,” (Goulston, 2010, p. 39).  GGNE is an abbreviation that stands for Gender, Generation (age), Nationality, Education Level and Emotion. Based on this sequence, “we see a person’s gender, generation and nationality first, hear the person’s education level second, and feel the person’s level of emotionality third,” (Goulston, 2010, p. 40).  By being cognizant of these filters, leaders can spot them and avoid such hurdles from “listening to-and reaching-other people,” (Goulston, 2010, p. 40). When these filters are used in the workplace to develop a quick study of a situation can most often lead to knee-jerk reactions and drive a wedge between you and those you lead. “The solutions?  Think about what you’re thinking,” (Goulston, 2010, p. 40).  Replace the fictitious character that your brain conjures up from the GGNE filters and take the time to empathize. This will help you to develop an accurate understanding of the person.

1. Mentoring and Coaching

           

Mentoring and coaching provides a payoff in better performance but also it increases job satisfaction and decreases turnover. “Great coaches and mentors get inside the heads of the people they are helping.” (HBR, 2011, p. 18). They sense how to give effective feedback and know when to push for better performance, as well as when to hold back. They demonstrate empathy in action. For example, leaders that apply coaching understand how their people are “feeling” and they can use this knowledge to improve their companies in subtle but important ways (HBR, 2011).

           

There are times where the leader can benefit from coaching just as much as the follower. Not everyone comes packaged with emotionally intelligent skills. Leaders need to continuously evolve and improve their skills. Empathy, one of the five emotionally intelligent skills, is described by Daniel Goleman as “understanding other people’s emotional makeup,” (HBR, 2011, p. 3). Although we may be born with certain skillsets, we can strengthen these abilities “through persistence, practice and feedback from colleagues and coaches,” (HBR, 2011, p. 3). Just as you provide feedback to your followers, ask them for feedback so that you can build upon your weaknesses. You may find you lack empathy, especially the ability to listen well. Listening is a social skill that is foundational for empathy to occur. “A leader who cannot express empathy may as not have it at all,” (HBR, 2011, p. 20).

With the knowledge in hand, that you are a weak listener, find a coach and use the techniques of role playing to strengthen the specific skills. Role playing can be a useful tool to fix a problem. You can role play “specific incidents to practice giving better responses; for example, not interrupting,” (HBR, 2011, p. 3). You can also observe other leaders skilled at listening and imitate their behavior. You are role playing them.

 

The significance of listening through practice and coaching is illustrated by Tom Peters who states that “your passion as a leader is listening,” (Peters, 2009). He offers a straightforward assessment that requires the input of others: “are you an 18 second manager?” (Peters, 2009). If you are not listening, and interjecting every 18 seconds; then you are eroding trust. When you are listening-deficient, you are stifling ideas that can lead to team success and growth. Let your team members be your coach and keep you honest. How long on average does it take before you interrupt someone speaking, or interject your opinion during a discussion or in a staff meeting? A commitment to strategic listening starts with asking the question and you will get better. You can get better at listening, but it takes coaching, practice and feedback. “It’s like playing the piano, becoming an actor, or learning to be an artist. It is a profession that has to be learned,” (Peters, 2009). Therefore, ongoing coaching and feedback is something that every good leader should integrate into their personal developmental process in order to build listening skills through practice, which is an ongoing foundation for effective empathy. 

 

​Empathy as Applied Through Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

Receiving empathically is a concept of NVC. Your full and unbiased presence is required. Don’t just do something, stand there, is a technique of NVC. Chunang-Tzu stated that true empathy requires listening with the whole being: “The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirits is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or the mind. Hence, it demands emptiness of all the faculties. And when the whole faculties are empty, then the whole listening begins,” (Rosenberg, 2003, p. 91).

 

Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are feeling. To truly be empathetic you need to shed your preconceived ideas about them. You really want to empty out all understanding you may have and start from scratch to capture the respectful understanding of others and what they are experiencing. To hear what others are “observing, feeling, needing, and requesting is part of the process of receiving empathically,” (Rosenberg, 2003, p. 91).

 

Instead of offering empathy, we tend to instead give advice or reassurance and to explain our own feeling. Empathy requires that we focus our full attention on the other person’s message. There’s an old Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “Don’t just do something, stand there,” (Rosenberg, 2003, p. 92).  Forgo the frustration that is caused by someone in need of empathy only to have us assume they want us to provide them with “fix-it” advice. Advising someone with “I think you should” or “how come you didn’t” are not forms of empathy. Storytelling, correcting, interrogating or one-upping are some of the many unintended and painful outcomes that occur when we interject as opposed to simply standing there!

 

Jerry Colonna shares in his Forward of the Empathy Factor, the transformative power of empathy, or the “empathic connection” through a three dimensional approach: “Connect-Think-Do” (Miyashiro, 2011). This approach places a primacy on engaging with one another in our full humanness before we do the work,” (Miyashiro, 2011). Here, empathy is practiced through the lens of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to help build a more productive and cohesive team. “A place of empathy – of being able to see, feel, and experience what the other person was experiencing,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 11). Miyashiro shares that the workplace is “full of what I call silent pain,” (2011, p. 11).  NVC is focused on a connection based on empathy, or the practice of “connecting with the feelings and needs in ourselves and others in service of promoting greater understanding all around,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 12).

           

In empathic listening, “you listen with your ears, but you also, and more importantly, listen with your eyes and with your heart. You listen for feeling, for meaning. You listen for behavior. You sense, you intuit, you feel,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 43).  Empathic listening, leads to empathic connection. What takes place next is “empathic action,” which relates back to the “Connect-Think-Do” concept. All three are necessary for effective changes.

           

In NVC, the process of “connecting with our own needs as they’re triggered by something we see or hear is called self-empathy,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 59).  It is about paying attention to what is going on with your own feelings. You recognize your feelings like an observer and develop clarity about available choices. Depending on whether your need is met or not, you make a conscientious request of others. Understanding intention (yours and others) is a key to effective collaboration. Self-empathy is a process where we pause and “empty our own thoughts” to connect with our own feelings and needs. “When we engage in empathy and self-empathy, we are open to what will come from this connection and cannot predict with certainty what the outcome will be. We simply stay true to our intention to connect empathically,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 63).  By stepping back for a brief emotional check-in with yourself; you can then evaluate or guess the needs behind yours and others feelings. This sets up the next action, which is making a clarifying request to meet any unmet needs (yours or others). For example, if you are making a presentation and people appear to be busy doing something else, or making various facial gestures (eyes rolling or looking at their watches); you can simply ask “do you want me to continue;” or, you can ask “do you have any questions?” Your guide is simply whether you sense pleasant or unpleasant feelings. That is time for a check-in followed by a clarifying request.

           

In an empathic connection, the speaker assumes the burden of communicating rather than giving the listener the burden to understand. For this reason, asking, and “Have I been clear?” is more connecting than “do you understand?”  (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 81).  The second question can provoke memories of when as kids we had no choice but to answer “yes” as children.

 

One technique of using NVC in team meetings is the acronym “WAIT – Why Am I Talking?” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 97).  Raj Gill, Center for NVC, found that he needed to listen more to what “the coaching client was saying” so “I put the acronym WAIT on my phone, which served as a reminder to keep my mouth shut and focus more on the listening than the talking,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 97).  The acronym can also be applied to “What Am I Thinking” to help you build awareness around situations that may influence your words and actions.” It is a form of self-empathy through the use of NVC. You want to be considerate of what you say and how it will be interpreted or impact others. Consider how WAIT in either case may contribute to the quality of the connection. “Might listening be where I want to place my attention?” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 98).  So “hurry up and WAIT” and be in the present moment, and “become more conscious of your words and actions,” (Miyashiro, 2011, p. 98).

 

Mirroring People

Mirroring is about the art and science of human connections. People need leaders who model optimism and positive attitude,” (Goman, 2011, p. 92). Mirror cells can help leaders apply empathy to identify and respond to their people’s non-verbal cues. Mirror cells are similar to the concept of ‘monkey see monkey do.’ It is one way of demonstrating how humans understand one another. It occurs thanks to special cells in the brain called ‘mirror neurons,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 4). It is not hard to surmise that we are born with this neuron. A baby smiles, and the parent smiles back in response. The mirror neurons for a smiling face are born.

 

As adults, we experience the same feelings as those people we come in contact with. We even have empathy for fictional characters on the screen – we know how they’re feeling “because mirror neurons in our brains re-create for us the distress we see on the screen,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 4). “Empathy” is actually a later English translation of the German word “Einfühlung,” which describes the relationship between work of art and its observer,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 108). In fact, when we see someone else suffering or in pain, mirror neurons help us to read her or his facial expression and actually make us feel the suffering or the pain of the other person. These moments are the foundation of empathy and possibly of morality “that is deeply rooted in our biology,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 5). To put yourself in someone else’s shoes in order to connect with their emotional state is simply a matter of paying attention as you mirror back.

 

Humans are like chameleons because we instinctively imitate one another – to synchronize our bodies, our actions, even the way we speak to each other,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 110).  That is why it is so important for leaders to be cognizant of the way they act in others. They are always being watched for emotional queues by their followers and they imitate each other whether they realize it or not. Emotional queues in meetings such as leaning forward, smiling and nodding have been found in studies to elicit similar movements in others, (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 110). Mirror neurons send signals to the emotional centers located in the limbic system of the brain. The neural activity in the limbic system triggered by these signals from mirror neurons allows us to feel the emotions associated with the observed facial expressions, “such as the happiness associated with a smile; the sadness associated with a frown,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 112).

 

In a study, when looking at pictures of happy faces, people’s cheek and brow muscles show a corresponding contraction. Likewise they contracted the same reaction when we watch angry faces. The one group that was prevented from freely moving their own faces was holding a pencil between the teeth. The pencil severely restricts the ability to smile, frown and do everything else we do with our faces and it restricts mimicry,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 111). Therefore, when given a chance, people naturally mimic each other.

 

Good imitators should also be good at recognizing emotions, and so endowed with greater empathy for others.  Imitation and liking tend to go together. When someone is imitating us, we tend to like that person more,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 114). Through imitation and mimicry, we are able to feel what other people feel. By being able to feel what other people feel, we are also able to respond compassionately to their emotional states.

 

The mirror neuron and facial feedback hypothesis is nothing new. Edgar Allan Poe writes, in his short story “The Purloined Letter, through the words of protagonist C. August Dupin, “When I wish to find out how wise, or how stupid, or how good, or how wicked is any one, or what are his thoughts at the moment, I fashion the expression of my face as accurately as possible, in accordance with the expression of his, and then wait to see what thoughts or sentiments arise in my mind or heart, as if to match or correspond with the expression,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 120). It turns out that the more people like each other, the more they imitate each other. The natural tendency to imitate each other “is the glue that binds us together,” (Iacaboni, 2009, p. 130). Leaders can use mirror neurons to recognize the actions of other people, and ultimately understand their intentions and their feelings.

 

HeartMath Solution – The Freeze-Frame Technique

Freeze-frame is an invaluable tool for managing thoughts to prevent the needless depletion of energy.  This HeartMath technique is designed to increase mental clarity and in turn help you to make sound decisions in high stress situations. It is in high stress situations that we lose our ability to apply empathy because our inner dialogues may be adding negative energy to our systems and depleting us emotionally. “Core heart feelings such as appreciation, nonjudgement, and forgiveness increase energy assets and eliminate many deficits,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 48).  These feelings spur “heart power tools” and are applied towards your heart intelligence through internal coherence. Understanding how mental and emotional energy can become coherent, and then putting that understanding into practice, is an essential part of the HeartMath Solution. Learning to cultivate a rewarding state of coherence enhances our ability to adtap, to flex, and to innovate,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 51). A balanced heart and mind provides us with access to a positive state of being.

 

To understand the connection between the heart and mind, think of the heart as a radio transmitter broadcast. “The quality of the broadcast is governed by every thought and feeling we have. When our thoughts are fuzzy or chaotic, the broadcast if full of static. We can’t receive the whole transmission. Perceptually we may notice only that we feel irritable or distracted, but that static also impacts every subsystem of our bodies, clear down to the cellular level. It affects our vision, listening ability, reaction time, mental clarity, feelin states and sensitivity,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 52). The brain is a partner to our heart, “not its master,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 58). It is the heart working on concert with the brain that gives us the ability to eliminate stress. The prescription is heart + head = coherence,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 58).

 

The Freeze-Frame technique is a five step process, which is basic but with profound benefits. First, you recognize the stress and take a time out. Secondly, you make a “sincere effort” to shift your focus away from the disturbed emotions that are centered around the heart area. “Pretend you’re breathing through your heard to help focus your energy in this area,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 67).  Third step is to recall a positive or fun feeling or time you’ve had and try to “experience it.”  Fourth is to apply your intuition and sincerity by asking your heart “what would be a more efficient response to the situation” that would eliminate stress? Lastly, listen to what your heart says in answer to this question. By doing so, you are diverting the “reactive mind and emotions” and substituting with “in-house commonsense solutions,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 67).  Applied with practice and this five-step process can be completed within five minutes and it becomes automated.

 

By taking a Freeze-Frame time out can provide a greater level of harmony in our heart rhythms. “In 1998, the HeartMath Research Center studied a person’s heart rate variability, pulse transit time, and respiration pattern over ten minutes. At three hundred seconds, the individual Freeze-Framed and all three physiological systems came into entrainment,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 72).  Applied over time, you will “gradually increase your capacity to arrive at convenient and practical solutions,” (Childre & Martin, 1999, p. 70). Focusing on the heart when using this technique is designed to keep you anchored there as opposed to the head where your mind may be cluttered with noise, or metaphorically, fuzzy radio transmission signals. The idea is to arrive at a fresh perspective and feeling as opposed to getting an answer. You are trying to arrive at a state where you can quickly let it all go and move on.

 

Moral Intelligence

Moral intelligence offers a guide for interpersonal effectiveness and doing the right thing. Key to morally intelligent leaders is the ability to see the world through another’s eyes (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 128). As leaders, they are aware of “the wake” they are leaving others and how to communicate to them in ways that satisfy their emotional needs. Applying empathy is “a kind of ‘what if’ mental state in which you experience a challenging situation through the eyes of another person,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 128). You are applying yourself through the emotional mindset of another person, as if putting on a virtual headset. By doing so, your moral competence “neutralizes destructive emotions that can interfere with living alignment,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 128). This approach makes possible for you to treat the person they way you would like to be treated in a similar situation.

 

In times of conflict it is especially important to take a break from your point of view and apply empathy. When you only see things from your point of view you are limited to a subjective view of reality. Empathy allows you to see the other side of a conflict and subsequently helps avoid the unnecessary risk of lashing out in anger. Anger leads to retaliation and actions that can damage your reputation as a leader (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 129).  Trading sides makes it possible for you stay in alignment to think more clearly. Additionally, this process can help your partner-in-conflict to also stay in alignment and activate “both forgiveness and compassion,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 129).  You are more willing to let go of their mistakes and help them accomplish their goals.

 

Active listening is a very powerful tool. It is listening beyond just the words being spoken. To action oriented transactional leaders, the act of passively listening, may be perceived of little value and appear to be a waste of time.  However, “listening attentively is an active skill requiring concentration and emotional intelligence,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 130).  This form of listening is essential to moral competence. It is the act of demonstrating respect for the values, beliefs, goals and emotions of others,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 130).  Listening skillfully is what helps to make empathy possible. You are listening for tone of voice and body language – how something is being said and not just what is being said. Active listening may uncover a point of view that you may not have otherwise considered or understood. This is particularly helpful to better understand the intention behind written messages such as e-mail. By meeting with the person one-on-one you can learn a lot more from active listening. You can uncover underlying emotional messages as well as others’ values and goals.

 

Respect comes from staying in alignment and helping others to do the same. To stay in alignment, you must listen beyond the emotional messages alone. If you listen only for emotional messages, “you might be missing clues that can keep you in alignment,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 131).  There are three moral frames that you are listening for – values, goals and feelings. When you have this information you can develop an empathetic strategy that leads to respect. Respecting others contributes towards empowerment. We need to recognize that we only see part of what is true or real and that our view of things is incomplete. “None of us has perfect seats in the theatre of life,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 133).  Therefore, given our limited vision, we should respect those who disagree with our view.  “Respect is the glue that allows people of different backgrounds, perspectives and habits to work together. Moral leaders know that they can only inspire people they respect,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 133). 

 

When you respect someone - and the other person feels respected by you – it opens the process to learn something new that will help you succeed. Your capacity of empathy and listening help to keep the channel of respect open. You can learn a lot about a person by simply being observant. For example, if you visit a co-workers office what do you see? “What do those family pictures, trophies, or pieces of art tell you about what your coworker cares about?” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 133).   Your ability to relate to and connect with their values consequently allows you to interact from a position of respect.

 

Conclusion

Empathy is a force to be reckoned with. It is a proven skill that can help to fortify working relationships, and overcome the effects of controlling supervision by cultivating inventive ways of solving complex challenges. When nurtured in the workplace, like a well planted and cared for crop, it can yield limitless fruit and bounty. Without it, people are disconnected and organizations fail to reach their full potential. Empathy, listening ability and respect are hallmarks of individuals who get along well with others. The results of empathy lead to understanding and contribute towards likeability. This advantage enlists others to help leaders do the right things and carry out ideas into action – especially when it’s a hard thing to do. “People who like us will be more motivated to join us,” (Lennick & Kiel, 2008, p. 135). 

 

Empathy is a tool that makes leaders approachable. Leaders need people to feel comfortable around them because approachability is an important element of a positive, highly productive work environment. The resulting diverse ideas transpire from simple techniques that originate from such practices as an “open door policy” or “management by walking around.”  People need to have a say about how work gets done; and consequently leaders need to be flexible - to roll with the punches - by making necessary changes brought on by empathy and the collaborative process.